hello.
i am never happy with what i have. always, there seems to be something better for me, a bigger purpose, a brighter future, an easier way out. and in the midst of the search comes a merchant with an idea - a route to escape, a secret that no one has to know. i have fumbled in this department many times. most of the time, i find it hard to grasp and carry the responsibility of being a leader in church, a brother to four sisters and a friend to many. there seems so much expectation on you and there are always questions in my heart - who am i really doing this for?

so the merchant comes by and seeks my wages. his escape will be mine to keep and in exchange, i hide a secret and carry on with my life. i have to buy into another dream in order to run away from this one.

i hold on to my own hands for as i struggle in fear of what i will do. what lays in the palm of his hands seems like a good idea. a best of both worlds and no one has to know right? but at the biting point, i remember mommy. at certain moments, when i least expect it, she would look at me and smile; and in her eyes, she would tell me that she loves me and believes in me.

whenever i have doubts and am reaching out for that gift, i'll remember her and the hope that she has for me. that picture and thought would cause me to struggle and fight with my self. i would not want to put myself into a position where i have to lie to mommy or my family ever again. not after all these efforts of rebuilding.

so i reject the gift from the merchant (again). even as enticing as it is, i knew its price. i would have to lie to the people i love. i know that running with this life that i am in won't be easy and there would be dark moments where i would struggle with fear, loneliness and insecurity again. and there would also be moments that my family won't be able to understand. i would have to be alone, only equipped with the knowledge and faith that i also have a God that takes care of me. it would always be a grind, a fight, a struggle... but i would not have to lie again.

and this is why merchant, i would not sell my dream. i know what i have is heavy and hard but i will just have to bear it. i have learnt to respect the love i am receiving.

so please merchant, stop bugging me. it is seriously tiring.